Pack My Ignorance and Bliss

White knuckles and sweaty palms from hanging on too tight

Clench of jaw, I've got another headache again tonight.

Eyes on fire, eyes on fire, and burn from all the tears,

I've been crying, I've been crying, I've been dying over you.

Tie a knot in the rope, trying to hold, trying to hold,

But there's nothing to grab, so I let go.

I think I've finally had enough, I think I maybe think too much.

I think this might be it for us.

You think I'm just too serious, I think you're full of shit.

My head his spinning so blow me one last kiss.

I've had quite a few really uncomfortable conversations lately.

The kind that usually make my face red.

The kind that leave me gasping for air afterwards.

The kind that bring up my own baggage I perpetually want to shove away. 

I was ruminating on one conversation when another one presented itself. I found out some details of  what happened two years ago with hoodie!boy and I. Well, really before I even moved to town. At the end of the chat with a mutual coworker, I felt like a complete and utter fool. A stupid little girl. The guy who told me this information told me not to worry about it, that it was really just more annoying than it was something to stew about. 

In reality, objectively, it most likely is. 

Still, this piece of information he gave me reframes everything on my end. Everything from those first weeks to his shyly complementing me not too long ago have taken on a different flavor. Especially right after I took the job.  In a way, my unknown ignorance was it's own sort of bliss. There is no way to unknow what I know.

I started to cry on the freeway as I drove home because all of a sudden this isn't just about a boy and a girl anymore, it's about the past and the future and wounds that go so deep I wonder if they'll ever scar. I wanted to shut myself away and not deal with any of it anymore. I wanted to put up wall so tall and strong that my heart will become impermeable. I wanted to set up ten thousand hoops to make some make prove that he really loves me. When I realized this, I cried even harder. I don't want to be the girl who makes some boy pay for the transgressions of others.

I'm still upset. I'm still sorting out the different sorts of upset, because I fully own some of it is my own issues making their appearance. Those are for me to wrestle with, me and no one else. I am holding my tongue before I shoot my mouth off. I have a couple of days to calm down and bring it in before "Are you fucking kidding me?!" comes flying out of my mouth. The last thing I want to do is go ham on his ass and have to clean that mess up as well.

I don't know if this is the end. We've had some really rough spots in our relationship and somehow manage to find a sort of "normal" eventually. There is nothing to indicate that this is going to be any different. 

 Still, at the moment, I don't know what way is up.