I had a (semi)conversation with football!boy last night. I say semi because he wasn't very talkative and I was falling asleep. Which, really, reminded me of how we used to text late, late at night into the early morning and I would more often than not fall asleep before we finished.
Still, it was hardly surprising.
We aren't who we were.
It is just about five years that I came waltzing back into the dorm in the middle of the night after spending hours outside talking. It was the first week of May, and I realized that I was in love with him. Or as much as I was able to be in love with him. As I laid on my bed beneath the open window listening to Lovefool, I never was happier. I was young and naive and more like a little girl.
I think of the last time I saw him. We went out with a whimper instead of a bang, which was really how it was supposed to end. A quick half hug after graduation, his fiancee waiting for him so the family could go out to lunch. I was running off too, a million things that needed to be done, a dorm that had to be vacated, a life to start. Rushed words that I can't remember, but most likely had something to do with congratulations and I'll see you later.
And started my life I did. Somehow I wound up here, which is baffling some days. That girl five years ago never would have believed it. The girl two years ago would have never believed it. She wouldn't think that she possessed even a tenth of the strength to do what I'm doing today.
He's in grad school now and getting married in five weeks. I saw pictures from the bridal shower that happened this past weekend, and he doesn't even look the same as the guy I knew. So, there's this guy, and he's thinner than the guy I knew, sitting and opening a toaster or some such thing for the place he is going to have with his wife. For a second it just didn't compute. At all. Because that isn't how I remember him.
Then again, my pictures look pretty different these days as well. New glasses. Hair is curly and short and my natural color. I'm in pretty dresses or professional clothes or tank tops. I actually look much closer to my age than I ever did when he knew me.
So, long story very short, I was driving home from work, flipping through the stations like the madwoman that I am. While it doesn't perfectly sum up everything, it does a pretty damn good job of getting in the right neighborhood.
Enjoy
I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was
I found my way around
To forgiving you
Some time ago
But I never got to tell you so
I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was
When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you
I reckon it's a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who I was
I write about love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was
I was thinking maybe I
I should let you know
That I am not the same
But I never did forget your name, hello
Well, the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about
There are so many times when I look at my life now and what it used to be, and I think "The me a few years ago would be shocked at the me now." Which I think is okay. I do that with a lot of my friends too. I think of who they were in college or high school and realize that we aren't the same people anymore. Sometimes it makes me sad because I remember when I wanted those days to last forever. But overall, I think it's a good thing. Change is good. We need to grow.
ReplyDeleteYour goodbye with football!boy was bittersweet and rushed. It reminds me of the goodbye I shared with Nikki just before her college graduation (a year after mine). On that night, she was also frantically clearing out her dorm room while getting ready for Commencement. She was my best friend for nearly 2 years, but romantic tensions and failed attempts at dating ruined us. Although we had once meant so much to each other, we went out with a whimper and a mutual decision to give up on our friendship. We haven't seen each other since. I'm okay with it now...but man, did it suck back then.
ReplyDeleteI've been better lately, but sometimes all it used to take was one photograph or a song that ol' whats-her-name and I used to sing together, and I'd be lost in thought for an hour or more. What could have happened? How would it have been different? Why can't I remember that conversation? Where are they now? Who are they now? I used to stay in touch with some of my exes, and it was always baffling to see how they changed. Wow, she lost weight. Is she still with that guy? Her daughter is beautiful. Can that really be her?
Football!boy touched your life...and even though you and him have gone your separate ways, the influence of those we have cared for never goes away. Emily is right when she says change is good and it helps you grow. No one ever tells you that it also hurts like hell.
(Sorry for the long-winded response. This post hit a nerve with me because I have felt the same way so many times. Cheers, A.)
~Shane
I think this is just such a relatable post. It feels like I've thought this before, about certain things in my own life. And the song really was a good wrap up. We all change. I feel sorry for those who don't change, actually. Sometimes it's just overwhelming to consider, or to see tangible evidence of how far you've come.
ReplyDeleteThis is such a relatable post. I find there are so many times I look back and I don't even know the person I used to be. I can't recognize the people who were there then, and identify them with who they are now.
ReplyDeleteSuch a wonderfully written, beautiful post. I love it.
I remember when I found out one of my exes was getting married, and it was very much the same thing as what you're describing here. He was a totally different person from who he was when I knew him. I think the most shocking thing for me was that it was only a year from when we were together... the changes were crazy.
When you can look and see the changes you've made for the better since then though, that's the best. :)