This week I didn't get out to do anything remotely related to getting my count up, so there isn't a whole lot to report. Funny how real life can come up and bite you in the ass. Count it as an epic fail, right up there with ripping my favorite party dress and finding Barbies on the barbeque.
I was able to do a bit of thinking, and that was productive. I really sat back, and noticed some patterns in the men that I am attracted to or considered dating. While I can't seem to properly articulate it, it appears that I very definitely have a type, both physically and in terms of their gravitas.
The physical I'm not worried about.
The gravitas... yeah. That was interesting. One word kept popping up - irresponsible. I suppose that it says a lot about them, but I think it says quite a bit about me as well. I was talking about it with team!friend and she made a really good point. I am attracted to very charming and irresponsible men because I am soooooooooooo in the box. I am responsible (most of the time in most areas of my life) to the nth degree. My job is loaded with responsibility. I pay my bills the day I get them. In college I was freaky obsessive about editing my papers. I always make sure I have clean socks. When I do something irresponsible I feel massive loads of guilt.
I must have some deep seeded need to be with someone who is irresponsible. It's been the same since I was eighteen and I was young, and dumb, and a freshman in college. Otherwise, I doubt that I would have spent myself over the men if there wasn't something that drew me to them. Trust me, football!boy and hoodie!boy have more of my emotional energy than I care to admit, especially to myself.
The good thing from all of this that at least I'm aware of it, right? I mean, some irresponsibility is freeing... key word being some. All things in moderation. Frozen Cokes, French fries, irresponsibility.
And this is where I admit that I could go for rum and tequila flowing freely in my veins, clove smoke swirling in my head, and the thumping base resonating in my chest on a sultry night. Or sitting on a cold, hard bench in early spring pouring my heart out about everything in my life.
I think I like irresponsibility a bit too much for my own good.
And this is where I admit that I could go for rum and tequila flowing freely in my veins, clove smoke swirling in my head, and the thumping base resonating in my chest on a sultry night. Or sitting on a cold, hard bench in early spring pouring my heart out about everything in my life.
I think I like irresponsibility a bit too much for my own good.
-A
I think a lot of us who have lived 'uptight and responsible' lives feel that way. I know I do.
ReplyDeleteIt's probably the reason I'm in the situation I am right now with my 'romantic' life (minus the actual romance part of it).
You're not alone, my dear Alice.
Strangely, much of your post resonates with me. How is it that a bad quality can make a person oddly attractive? Looking back, 2 of the girls I have dated were reckless, irresponsible, and a little crazy. But their utter disregard for responsibility and personal safety complemented my responsibility, helped break me out of my shell little by little, and opened me up to a few life experiences (like the one and only time I ever went to a rave - what a bad night, but what a great story).
ReplyDeleteAs a recovering 'irresponsible/reckless/crazy significant other' addict, please allow me to assure you that staying clean is difficult, but definitely worth the struggle :P