Holy crap, we couldn't have been more wrong. We're talking there was a deflated balloon that looked like a sperm hanging off the ceiling sort of wrong.
First off, I brought the average age down by about 47.8 years. No lie. I'm pretty sure there were some women there who were older than my own grandma. A lot of middle aged men. A lot. Like, if you are in the market for a socially awkward middle aged man, this is the place for you. There was one guy there who maybe was in his mid-thirties. Maybe. That's giving a lot of wiggle room. Besides, he looked like one of my uncles, so that wasn't going to go anywhere.
The music was... well, there is a reason why I am convinced that I showed up to my parents wedding reception in 1983. No lie, the playlist included two songs that came out after 2000. Although, given the demographics of the crowd, I suppose that this is hardly surprising. Some older guy (by older I mean my dad's age at least) asked me to dance to "When a Man Loves a Woman" which was my parents wedding song. I just couldn't do it. I just couldn't. Besides, it was all slow dancing, and to be honest, they were doing the "awkward circle shuffle" dance found in middle schools across the world. I have no desire to dance with a random man like that. At all. The only time I did dance was during "Cotton Eye Joe" and "Cha-Cha Slide," neither of which require a partner.
Then there was gloom!and!doom!guy. Seriously, he introduces himself and goes on this whole tangent about how everything that the government is all fear tactics to break our souls and make us dependent. Which, okay, fine, go for your political views, but you're hardly making anyone like you. Then he started talking investments and what's going to tie us over when the economy finally gives its last death rattle. Paranoia is never sexy. Then he goes on this really odd theological treatise about how salvation is mimicked in our biology. It took everything in me not to slam him down and be like "The right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, dumbass."
Team!friend and I couldn't take it much longer, so we went into the ladies to laugh our asses off during the "snowball dance." It was the most convoluted bathroom set up and it was really not so much a bathroom and as a teleport potty. No shit, this bathroom was shared with a bar next store. We seriously thought of making a break for it.
We soldiered on and made it to the last song.
Then we went to eat.
The end.
The music was... well, there is a reason why I am convinced that I showed up to my parents wedding reception in 1983. No lie, the playlist included two songs that came out after 2000. Although, given the demographics of the crowd, I suppose that this is hardly surprising. Some older guy (by older I mean my dad's age at least) asked me to dance to "When a Man Loves a Woman" which was my parents wedding song. I just couldn't do it. I just couldn't. Besides, it was all slow dancing, and to be honest, they were doing the "awkward circle shuffle" dance found in middle schools across the world. I have no desire to dance with a random man like that. At all. The only time I did dance was during "Cotton Eye Joe" and "Cha-Cha Slide," neither of which require a partner.
Then there was gloom!and!doom!guy. Seriously, he introduces himself and goes on this whole tangent about how everything that the government is all fear tactics to break our souls and make us dependent. Which, okay, fine, go for your political views, but you're hardly making anyone like you. Then he started talking investments and what's going to tie us over when the economy finally gives its last death rattle. Paranoia is never sexy. Then he goes on this really odd theological treatise about how salvation is mimicked in our biology. It took everything in me not to slam him down and be like "The right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, dumbass."
Team!friend and I couldn't take it much longer, so we went into the ladies to laugh our asses off during the "snowball dance." It was the most convoluted bathroom set up and it was really not so much a bathroom and as a teleport potty. No shit, this bathroom was shared with a bar next store. We seriously thought of making a break for it.
We soldiered on and made it to the last song.
Then we went to eat.
The end.
Dude, I am SO impressed that you guys lasted until the end. Because I would have pretty much turned around and walked out after discovering that almost every person there was a hundred years old...
ReplyDeleteHahaha wow, what a hilarious fail of a night! I love that you stayed for the whole thing - I would have made an excuse to leave and get drunk!!
ReplyDeleteIt makes for fantastic blogging material, though!!!
Sometimes the things that don't go to plan end up making the best memories :)
Wow! Definitely impressive that you made it to the end; I probably would have bailed ten minutes in!
ReplyDeleteSometimes, these life situations just write themselves as a great story. Glad you and team!friend had a great time together.