Last night was absolutely a situation: overload, situation: lost control. As in my-wallet-is-with-someone-else-i-don't-know-the-people-i'm-with-i'm-acting-stupid-because-i'm-drunk-my-heart-is-broken-again-my-stomach-is-in-knots-because-i'm-feeling-guilty-for-getting-to-this-place-crying-to-my-best-friend-for-a-half-hour lost control.
I guess the details of it don't really matter. Or maybe they do and I just really don't want to talk about them. I don't know yet. I think I'm still working through what happened with hoodie!boy and I.
We're very cyclical.
We're back to avoidance.
He started the avoidance and now I'm willing to carry it through.
It's that or crying right now. I refuse to admit to him that he's made me cry twice now.
Constantina is bigger, badder, hot pink and polka dotted, too.
The funny thing is, this morning when I woke up, I wanted to go home. Home home. Home with my parents and my brother and my dog. I don't want that very much these days. I hate going home most of the time. Still, today, it would seem very comforting. I wouldn't tell them what was the matter, but I would just want to be there and lay on "my" spot on loveseat and love on my dog and make her make her happy growl.
I know I shouldn't be surprised. This was going to happen. I was starting to let myself feel for him again. I'd given him another chance. I'd let him in. It just sucks, because he's there, and he's sweet and awesome and funny and flirty and supportive and then... he's not. In a big way. Last night that switch was flipped. I have no idea what flipped it, or if it had been flipped before and just manifested itself last night or what.
Regardless, my heart today isn't in the best shape.
I am worth more than this.
You ARE worth more than that. And I know it sounds cliche and corny, but it's his loss.
ReplyDeleteSince home is so far away, do the next best thing: climb into your coziest jammies, curl up on the couch, and bring out the chocolate.
You are worth more than that. Feel better!
ReplyDeleteYou're exactly right. You are worth so much more than this, and further...you really don't deserve it. But I can see why you would make this decision, I understand the appeal of an ex. The reflection, the rationalization.
ReplyDelete"Well, maybe it only worked out because of X. So if we do Y then everything will be much better."
"That was then, and this is now. He/she has changed and I can see it. This time it will be different."
All familiar excuses that I have used many times. All empty words. And on some level we know we are lying to ourselves, but yet it is so hard to break the gravitational pull that person has on us. To put it bluntly...it really sucks.
Don't go home. Weather this storm and it will get better. I hope you know that my offer to e-mail me at any time still stands.
~SP
Oh Alice, you are worth far more than the way hoodie!boy is treating you. He reminds me desperately of one of my former best friends, and the relationship we had. As well as an ex of mine...
ReplyDeleteThe excuses are always going to be the same, but it takes being willing to look at them as such before you are able to walk away. It's not easy. It never is. But we are here for you.