Once upon a time, it was my goal to find something creative do to that would get my numbers up once a week. It was an ambitious goal, and for the longest time, I did well with it. Not every week, but at least I was out there.
However, shit got real.
The truth of the matter is that while I should be wanting to go out, I don't want to. I should want to dance and talk to guys and have frou frou drinks, but it simply sounds... overwhelming. I don't feel attractive. I don't feel desirable. I don't feel pretty. Or witty. Or bright.
I've been trying to compensate for this by straightening my hair, or braiding it, and making sure that I have mascara and lip gloss on when I go to work. Little things that I thought would make me feel better. Turns out, not so much. One would think I would have learned that lesson years ago.
One of my coworkers said that I had "such a lovely countenance" but that I've seem to have lost it in the past few weeks with all of the changes and stress at work. Awesome. I know she was worried about me, because when all the changes happened, I ended up at the epicenter. However, it just made me aware of how I was feeling was reality. It wasn't just a feeling I was trying to shake. I really do look different. I've lost my "lovely countenance" and it wasn't as if I was working with a whole lot to start with.
No, that previous statement is not a pity statement, or fishing for complements, or teenage emoness far beyond it's expiration date. The fact is that I am rather plain to look at, and there are quite a few features of mine that I wish I didn't have, but there isn't a whole lot I can do about them. I am not one of those women you look at and go "oh, wow!"
Team!friend suggested another avenue to take, and I think that I am going to try it out. After all, it couldn't hurt at this point, and I can't seem to get traction going out and doing what I have been doing. Besides, it's something that I've been wanting to do, she just gave that extra little push in the proper direction.
aw...dont feel that way! what i have found out is that i get hit on more when i am dressed down and like a bum than when i am all dolled up! no lie! LoL it has happened pretty often for me actually...not sure why...but be patient :-) i know it is hard to think about but that is what i have learned. i hope things get better and you start to fell better!!
ReplyDeletehttp://infinitelifefitness.com
http://mscomposure.blogspot.com
Oh, Alice.
ReplyDeleteWhile I have to take your word for it that you're just an ordinary-looking gal, I have to say that you just might be beating yourself up a little bit.
Sure, you don't get all the guys saying 'wow' when they see you, but that's okay, because you'd probably be annoyed by all that attention anyway. Am I right?
I think noticing that you've been feeling this way lately is really important. It's not about a numbers game--you've got to feel amazing about being you before you can ever really dive into that scene of making male friends or dating or whatever. I want you to feel fantastic about yourself, and you should! You are a very smart and incredible person, and you have so much beauty--the kind that pervades your words as well as your countenance. I want you to know that and to believe it and to hold on to it on the days that you don't quite feel up to it. Maybe right now your time would be better spent doing some self discovery and engendering some self-love before you worry about the number count. That's something that will take care of itself once you are the fabulous, confident, and therefore wholly beautiful woman I know you to be. Solidarity, sistah.
ReplyDeleteIt's so funny for me, beacuse the days I feel lesast attractive are the days I feel least like doing anything about it. Comb my hair. PFFT. NOT HAPPENING.
ReplyDeleteIf I feel unattractive, there is very little I can do to counteract that anyways. I wish I had good advice, but at least now you know that it happens to others. Been there, girl. I've been there.
I wish you wouldn't feel this way, but you can't make someone see what they can't see for themselves first. Try something new, something you wanted to do for yourself. And keep up with a new look even if you don't feel like it, doesn't mean you have to look like it. Hey, I throw on a wig sometimes and start to have a new mindset with the new look.
ReplyDeleteI don't want to discount your feelings in any way, but I think you might be looking at yourself much too harshly. If you've lost your "lovely countenance" it's only because it is easy for our self-image to change as we become more stressed. When all we feel is tension about the bad it's easy to lose track of all of our good. Through this blog you have shown us that you have so much to offer to the world and your loved ones. Don't let your external circumstances bring you down internally. But also don't be afraid to try something new, such as what you alluded to at the end of the entry. Your life, and your rabbit hole, is much more than a numbers game. It's about yourself...so hey, take some time and work on you. Nothing wrong with that - every single one of us has areas in which we could improve upon. But we won't allow you to put yourself down, not for one minute. You're too good for that.
ReplyDelete(Also, I pretty much second everything that Emma said in response to this entry. Her comments are always so eloquent and truthful, so take her word as the gospel lol).
~SP
Shane gives me too much credit. :-)
ReplyDeleteIf nothing else, I hope that these outpourings of love are evidence to the contrary on what you've been feeling. You are loved and desired and thought of.
I agree with what everyone else said.
ReplyDeleteWe are always far harsher on ourselves than we actually deserve.