Can you tell I'm a Yankee? Hockey references don't fly down here. Anyway, three posts in three days and it's not a challenge? What is this?!
Anyway, before I launch into my tale for this evening, I should give some background information. Last month, I had a lateral move at work. As in, "Hey, in a week we are moving you here." Long story short, I inherited a powder keg that was about seven and a half nanoseconds from exploding sky high. And so it did, with myself at the epicenter. Since then, I've found myself struggling professionally, and basically feel as if I go to work to beat my head against the wall. Also, it appears that branched out into sadism as I've started to bang other's heads in time with mine because I don't know what else to do. Situations are spinning out of control so fast it's amazing, and to be honest, I don't do well when I am not in control. Basically, I suck at my job right now. I'm aware of this, and I'm coming up with some new strategies to overhaul a system that obviously isn't working. So that's something. Awareness is the first step.
Tonight I lost it. After a horrible day followed up by one of the longest and most difficult meetings of my professional life I simply lost it. As I was walking out of said meeting, I found hoodie!boy and the secretary. The secretary knew that something was really wrong with me and she asked me if I was alright. On the brink of tears all I could do was shake my head no and whisper that right now I hate my job. Maybe not the right thing to say, but honest. Hoodie!boy looked shocked/concerned and told me that I shouldn't get so worked up, that I really have a handle on it due to past experiences.
This is where the tears start flowing. Now, I'm a good stoic German. I don't cry in public. I don't cry in front of many people. My parents were the sort of people who told me if I was going to cry that I should do it in my room. So, I am much more of a self soother and I tend to settle down much faster if I am left to myself. The secretary, being the wonderful person that she is, wants me to talk about it and emote, because that's what makes her feel better and she wants me to feel better. I joked about how my GRE scores are still valid for two years, and they're pretty damn competitive. This made hoodie!boy raise his eyebrows and I hastened to add that I would really never leave.
Now, I don't know if this emotional tailspin completely freaked hoodie!boy or if he knows me well enough to just let me go, but at this point he walked away. Not super far away, but enough to give me some space. He was definitely there if I wanted him, but he didn't push. So while the secretary left to get me some Kleenex, he stood there and let me cry with as much privacy as he could give me. Once I had calmed down sufficiently and wiped my mascara raccoon eyes away, he was gone without a word. Tonight is the night that he works late, and I know that he had some place to be.
Maybe it's just me wanting to see the good, but I can't believe all of that was an accident. I mean, maybe my little outburst did freak him and he was trying to stay away and made his exit as soon as humanly possible. I doubt it though. I want to think that he was trying to assess the situation, knew what I needed, and realized when I was on the other side that he could leave. In fact, as I was walking to my car, I ran into him again, passed a long a message, and he was very... gentle. Poor way to describe it, but it's the best I have. Again, it could be that he was walking on eggshells, but I think he was going out of his way to be kind.
So, pretty much my mind and my heart need to get on the same page. My heart tends to meander more than I would care for it. The last thing I want to do is engage in this again... especially when I am hanging on for dear life professionally, and trying to get back into the rabbit hole. That is begging, pleading, beseeching for trouble. Apparently I am feeling as if life doesn't present enough challenges on its own.
Edit 9:19p: I just finished texting with hoodie!boy apologizing for crying. Because I'm that girl. Really, I am mortified that I cried like that in public. His response? " hey... you do realize what i do for a living, right? crying does not bother me one bit". So, I feel better. Quite a bit if I were to be completely honest. Right or wrong, I can't deny that fact.
No man likes to see a female cry, makes them uncomfortable even if you don't get emotional in front of them all of the time. Especially, since they're always taught to "man up". From my experience, only the mature men can handle the situation correctly though. In this case he did what he would consider the gentlemanly thing to do at the time. He still got lost as soon as possible though. I guess to access everything on his own since men need more time to think things over. He probably was like, "What just happened?" in his brain. Then by the time you apologized for your actions he could really express what he needed to say.
ReplyDeleteI agree with RetroFlirt...and I hope things get better at work soon!
ReplyDeleteAlright, gonna throw this out there lady--there is no shame in being human. I do not at all think that getting frustrated, crying, being upset about your job, etc, are things that you should keep bottled up. I kind of hate that your parents actually told you that as a kid. I'm not trying to say anything bad about your family, I obviously have very little insight into your life growing up, but it's just the kind of thing that makes me feel sick to my stomach, that children would be stunted and told to lock away their feelings like that. As someone who grew up in an abusive home, I have absolutely no patience for it. So you know what? You cry if you want to. And don't feel like you have to apologize. I'm on the secretary's side--I think it's always so much better for you mentally, emotionally, spiritually, whathaveyou, to just let the emotions run their course and then once they are out, take a breath, and move forward.
ReplyDeleteI completely empathize with you on the job frustrations front. And if work is something that doesn't seem like it's getting better any time soon, then you DEFINITELY have to let yourself relax and release those frustrations now and then. Or you will end up breaking down completely. I say all of this out of love for you, my friend. I don't want you to start getting migraines or giving yourself high blood pressure because you feel like you can't let go when you are upset!
And as far as hoodie!boy goes, I hope he was trying to genuinely give you space and be a gentleman about things. I still don't think you should ever apologize for being a human, but I'm glad that he wasn't freaked out or anything. A guy that runs away from emotions is not worth your time, in my book.
I think hoodie!boy was doing the right thing. You've had some difficulties in your past, but I'd like to think along your lines: he assessed the situation, saw what you needed, and was decent enough to provide it. I wouldn't fall back into his arms very quickly, because like you said that is just begging for trouble, but it's great that he showed you compassion. It shows that he does have some redeeming qualities.
ReplyDeleteI hate crying public too, but girl, I've been there. At the very least we can be thankful for the compassionate people around us- the Kleenex getters and space givers. :)
ReplyDeleteLor
I hate crying in public, but sometimes, it just has to happen.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad hoodie!boy was able to respect your need for not crying in public and give you that bit of space though.
*hugs* Don't sweat it chicky; no-one will think you weak because the stuff piled up and on.