This is the Dawning of the Age of Aquarius

Or the Age of Chicky!poo if you will.

For better or for worse, I've been thinking a lot about her entrance into my life. Well, not so much my life as his life, but in a convoluted way, yeah... my life.

And I've come to a conclusion: I'm pissed.

Not at her.

Not at him.

At myself.

I am throughly pissed at myself. 

Why you may ask?

Three reasons.

The first is that I realized that I had given him all of the power. I gave it over to him in the first nanosecond that I ever laid eyes on him. That instant when I was down here for about five minutes, was sitting next to my mother, and I saw him. I recognized him. It was one of the most visceral reactions I've ever had, if not the most visceral. We'd never spoken before in our lives, and somehow, I knew him. As if his image had been burned into my brain when I came into being. He was so agonizingly and wonderfully familiar. 

And in that moment, one bright and sunny August morning, I signed away my power. I didn't realize what I had done until much later, but by then it was too late. What was done, was done. Ever since then it has been a long, slow, hard fight to get back that which I had so carelessly tossed his way. There are times of progress and times of stagnation. I have given him too much credit, and I can't get that back either. And so I am pissed as hell that I am engaged in this unnecessary battle.

The second reason is that I can't seem to get my heart and my brain on the same page. My brain is a big fan of shouting "He's no good for you!" "You don't want drama!" "He doesn't know what he wants!" "He can be a really big jerk." but my heart? That sassy little thing always has an answer: "For now. He has so much potential." "Yes, but he can move you like very few people." "You don't know what you want either!" "He also can be compassionate." 

I take great pride in the fact that in most cases, I can subdue emotion. I can put it all away in a little box and take it out later when I need to deal with it. My mind can dominate emotion without much hassle. Some logic is all that I need. Granted this has been failing since I've been fighting a lot of battles at work, the storage locker of emotion is starting to overflow, but that's besides the point. The point is that my mental balls are being busted by my sassy little heart. I don't like it.

To complete my oh so lovely trifecta? She makes me self-conscious of all my physical flaws. I will be the first to admit that my self-image can go into the toilet very quickly. That is something that I am working on as a person, and while I know it doesn't always seem like I am, I do try to affirm all of the beautiful things about myself.

But damn.

I feel as if she is a prettier, thinner, bubblier me. And that isn't fair. But I look at her and look at myself and get pissed for even doing that. We are two different people, so why I am comparing myself to her? Oh, that's right, because my heart is busting my brain's balls with amazing accuracy. So I'm pissed that I am allowing myself to think poorly of my body on the basis of someone else.

However, in the midst of all this, last night we had a Christmas party. While hoodie!boy showed up for a little bit, most of the night was spent with our group of friends. I had so much fun. I laughed and laughed and had good food and excellent wine and watched a stupid movie. I found a new friend in an unexpected place. I walked away feeling revitalized.

So, don't cry for me Argentina. I'm alright. There is light at the end of the rabbit hole. A happy ending to be had. Be it Practical Charming, or a guy in a tin foil suit of armor, or some other possibility that I can't comprehend right now, the happy ending is somewhere. 

Until then, I get to go and do all sorts of random fun stuff. 

And listen to hippie music.