The Very Thing That Got Us Here

You know that feeling you get when you realize that everything is going to be okay? All the fears and angsting fall away and you feel a sense of peace? That you know that it isn't perfect, and will never be, but nothing in this life is. It might not be what you wanted, but that doesn't make it invalid?

I gave hoodie!boy his gift last night. He was wrapping up some work, and the secretary was right there. Now the secretary, she isn't stupid, she knows what's going on between us, most likely facilitated by the fact I drunkenly told her everything at one point while we were sharing a cigarette at a party. That and she has her degrees in psychology and social work. That and she has eyes.

Anyway, I just set the present by him and told him Merry Christmas. He looked at me, at the present, and back up at me. He asked me if it was a Starbucks card between his teeth.  After whispering back "no" the secretary was all like "What's going on here?" and he's all "I was just asking her if it was a Starbucks card." Apparently they had this thing going where if he opened any Starbucks cards in front of her, she would get them and he was going to go around the corner to open it if I was giving him that.

Once we determined that it wasn't Starbucks, he started to open the present. Now, I would have pegged him for a dive in and tear it all apart sort of guy. But as both the secretary as I watched, he carefully undid the ribbon and the paper. When he saw it, he smiled this genuine smile. Since he goes to the movies on a regular basis, I got him a gift card for the theatre he likes. Apparently I put enough on the card for him to buy a bucket of beer there. I was thinking the price of admission, but you know, whatev.

Then he gets up and gives me this really big hug. I mean a really. big. hug. Almost like the kind another guy used to give me once upon a time, but this, quite obviously, was different. Over his shoulder I see the secretary smiling at us. The kind of little smile that means more, an understanding. But I was more interested in the hug then her reaction.

It was there, in that hug, I had that peaceful feeling. Our situation isn't perfect. It isn't what I thought I wanted. It isn't clean and neat and dictionary defined. It is, however, exactly what it is supposed to be in this moment. As I told one of my dearest friends, I do believe that we are in each other's lives for a reason. We might not figure it out right away, but there is a method to the madness. This was a moment when I could feel the reason. There was no making it out completely, but the fuzzy outlines, a sense of it's shape and form was there.

I don't need to know right now

all I know is I believe

in the very thing that got us here