I'm planning it to be a series, posting on Mondays.
It could be good.
It could be bad.
It could be ugly.
It will be honest.
My self esteem is weird. I mean, really weird. Well, maybe not really weird, but inconsistent.
I realize that I am fully capable of making choices, keeping a home, paying bills, working, and maintaing friendships. I do these things fairly well, the past few months being an exception, and even then, I've been making it work somehow. I picked myself up and moved a thousand miles away from everyone and everything I ever knew. I made a success out of the whole thing.
I'm also smart. I hate saying that, but I think I am. Granted it's all academic, I have the common sense/ emotional aptitude of a carrot, but it's there. One doesn't get papers published and research accepted and graduate with a double major and double minor in five years if one is stupid.
However, none of this translates over to my looks. I hate the way I look, and it's not like I can get a new face. My face is my face. There isn't any getting around that fact. Then there is my body. Yes, I can lose weight, and change the way my body looks, but even then, I'm not convinced I'd be happy. I could get a keratin treatment for my hair, but that wouldn't change its inherent unruliness. The roots would still curl and frizz, the whispies flying away. There are fleeting moments when I feel attractive, but the day in day out me can't see it. At all.
I know there are all sorts of psychological reasons why this is. Hell, I can spell out a lot of them for you. For as many as I'm aware of, I'm also fairly certain there are a multitude that I'm not aware of lurking.
The flip side to this? I'm afraid to be pretty. I'm afraid of what that would mean. I'm afraid of how I wouldn't be able to shirk into the background. I'm afraid that I'd actually have to figure out away not to be an emotional and social carrot. I'm afraid that I can't just stay in my little shell, in my little apartment in a faceless suburbia. I wouldn't know what to do about it. Being a wallflower is my gig, anything else just seems... absolutely overwhelming.
This is incredibly relateable. It's like a weird fear of failure/fear of success phenomenon for your esteem/appearance.
ReplyDeleteI don't think it's about absolutes of Pretty or Not Pretty or whatever. It's so much more about just how you FEEL in your own skin. Finding what is worthy, what is beautiful in yourself just the way you are. Because we are all beautiful, even if that beauty looks different on the surface. Beauty has been painted in our culture as something that has a measurable scale that is purely visible and purely related to how supermodel-esque your physique. But that's just wrong. That's not what beauty is about at all. You know what I find more beautiful than a Victoria's Secret ad? A photograph of a grandmother from Saudi Arabia mending a shirt. She's older, her skin is more leathered, her age visible on her features. But yet there is LIFE in her, and she's worlds away. That glimpse of life is what is beautiful, not her shapeliness in the latest lingerie trend. And for the record, I find you beautiful, too.
We all must come to terms with who we are on our own. Change what we can, love the things that don't need to be changed, accept all of it, regardless of state. I encourage you to keep living and keep discovering. You deserve to feel amazing. So suit up, lady. You ARE amazing.
^Wholeheartedly seconded.
DeleteNow I'm more convinced than ever that we're the same person. Seriously.
ReplyDeleteSometimes, I have what I call a Mia Thermopolis Day. You know, the ones where you look in the mirror and go "Once again, this is as good as it's going to get." So...yeah.
Yes, I'm 29 and still reference the Princess Diaries. And I'm okay with that.
I love that you're being brave enough to post these things. In fact, I may do the same myself once I'm ready for it.
ReplyDeleteI echo Dave's bravery sentiments and I'm pretty much loving K's Mia Thermopolis Day comment, which I can completely relate to. So, basically everyone left a better comment than me, but I wanted to know, that I know how this goes. And I think you are awesome for being able to talk about it and for being self aware enough to realize it.
ReplyDeleteLor
This is a very interesting idea for a series, A. I believe I read one of Sarah's posts on this as well. I think it's great that you're sharing all of this with us. It's a great reminder that we're all so similar, no matter when or where we are in life.
ReplyDeleteLike you, I'm also intelligent...and I also hate to say it. There's no way to admit that particular strength without sounding cocky. So when someone compliments me, I always brush it off. But I'm also not thrilled with the way I look. There's the weight I gained, the bags under my eyes, and also my huge honkin' nose. (Middle Eastern features - they're all big-nosed people haha).
I used to be a wallflower, but just through the natural course of life I moved past it. I wish I could offer some sort of advice to help you step away from the wall, but it just sort of...happened, and I don't really know how. I believe you're on the right track. You have faith in yourself, as well as a huge degree of self-awareness, and you want to get out there to meet the world. You'll make it there, if only in due time.
I think everyone has already said pretty much everything I could say.
ReplyDeleteThese days, I find the biggest reason I'm afraid to be or feel pretty is because when I do, people question the validity of me doing my job, or my knowledge about my job.