Like the Leaves of a Book

20sb is turning five years old. In honor of this, several bloggers I know have written letters to themselves five years ago.

Five years ago I was twenty. I also, unknowingly, found myself on a precipice. The summer I was twenty was one of the more difficult times I've had in my life, but by no means the worse. My mother and I were at odds over everything, my heart was longing, and I was facing long days that offered me little in terms of personal satisfaction. I lived for the nights when I could lay in bed in the darkness, listening to my music on my iPod, texting a boy halfway across the country after the really bad days.

Everything changed that August, just as I thought it would. However, *how* it changed was not at all what I had planned. By the time January rolled around, I was on a completely different trajectory. In retrospect, those sudden and rather drastic changes were the start of my life today.

Also, ten points if you know the reference in the title.

Dear Alice,

Oh, sweetheart. You're miserable right now, aren't you? It's alright to be sad. It's alright to be angry. It's what you do with those emotions that matter, not the emotions themselves. I want to tell you that everything gets better, but the truth is it won't. The symptoms will ease, but they're only going to be replaced by new ones. Keep your chin up. You're worth something. You're not always going to buy into it, but you are.

Cling to your pink hair and your memories. We all need something. Those just happen to be your somethings at the moment. Just know that everything is going to change. That boy has met his wife and you're going to cut your hair. You'll have nights full of wine and tiny handprints in the snow head of you, but they're not going to be like what you just experienced. That boy will fade away, and it will hurt, and even years later you'll still feel a bit of a sting around the edges now and again. It doesn't end the way you thought it would, as many times as you changed that ending in your head. Still, I promise you it ends the way it should.

This summer will be horrible. I can't and won't deny that. Anything else is a lie. However, this summer will solidify your internal fortitude. Which is a good thing, because you're going to need it.

Your life is going to be turned around and upside down sooner than you know it. Don't be afraid. You're going to be alright. When you're on the phone crying to your dad that you don't want to return to school, it will seem like everything you've worked for was for nothing. You'll feel like a complete failure. I promise the feeling won't last long, because come January you're going to hit your stride beautifully. Someone is going to see your quietness as a virtue, not a vice.

January is the start of your grand adventure. You'll cry a lot along the way. You'll sit up nights on the phone. You'll worry and angst. There will be times when you wish you'd never gotten involved in any of it. Sometimes you consider walking away. You'll feel feels you didn't even know existed. You'll be incredibly proud. You'll have albatrosses in your tummy. You'll go places you never thought of going. You'll learn the value of trust.

Don't worry, you'll find what you're good at. Even when you don't believe you're good at it, your people won't let you forget for long.

Just... the adventure is still happening five years later. And it's... wonderful for the most part. The bad doesn't have to spoil the good. The changes that are coming your way are ones that will never leave you the same. You're life turns out radically different than you were thinking. People are going to come into your life and love you and you're going to love them. They will shake up everything.

Just remember: You're more that what you think you are. You're more than you give yourself credit for.

Hang in there, Darling. Your August will come.
- Alice