Blogger!friend posted a link today.
It, in a few raw and elegant words, has managed to capture and adequately describe... well.. everything. I don't have residual daddy issues, but I sure as heaven and hell and everything in between have mommy issues.
I've never held a boy's hand.
Never been kissed goodnight.
Never told that I'm beautiful.
And that does leave scars. Scars that I don't know what to do with. There is lots of advice on what to do with scars that happen from nasty breakups. Not so much for the marks on my heart.
I am guilty of not putting myself out there and not flirting to stay in control. A lot of the time it feels a lot safer to stay where I am instead of adding another layer of scars. I can decide how and when I get hurt. I can put it all in a little box of my choosing. I can discipline everything into order. I can exercise self-control. Because at this point? Holding a boy's hand, being kissed goodnight, and being told that I'm beautiful seems like it would only end in more heartache then I have right now. It feels like playing with fire, dynamite, and napalm all at the same time.
This article can also be expanded to the times when I catch myself daydreaming about hoodie!boy. I'll be the first to admit that sometimes my mind wanders off into sexy times with him. But the daydreams that really hurt? The ones that leave me with a sinking feeling housed in that space between my heart and my stomach? That make me wish I didn't daydream at all because they are the vast majority? They are the ones where he takes me into his bed, holds me close, plays with my hair, and tells me that I am beautiful.
That is what I desire more than a crazy sexy romp in bed.
I actually had a good talk with myself this Wednesday about love. About what it is, and what it isn't. About where my value is found. Hint: it isn't found in a double bed in a studio downtown. And so it's a matter of letting myself truly believe that. Make my head knowledge into heart knowledge.
No one ever said it was going to be easy.
The best things in life hardly are.
I'm kind of tempted to create a visual representation of the correlation of knowledge between the head and the heart. In my head, I'm seeing a really hilarious graph where the two lines often get close but rarely cross. :-)
ReplyDeleteI'm still learning what love is. I thought I knew a lot about it, based on how many times I screwed it up. I certainly know how NOT to do love. But as things has been better in the heart department for me, I'm learning that there will always be learning. It's not like learning to brush your teeth when you're a kid, and you thereafter always know how to do it. Love is a constant chameleon, I like to think. It is capable of great change and of great depth. And in whatever capacity it shows itself in our lives, it will always teach us something a little extra. I wish that for you always--that you might always be seeing new sides of love. And that you may even see the side that occasionally includes that studio apartment; it counts, too.
Much love, lady friend.
I've been examining the same sort of subjects myself lately. I think the main trouble is that it's very difficult to get the head and the heart to speak the same language and work together. One is usually louder than the other, and that's usually the one we listen to, whether it's right or wrong.
ReplyDeleteStill, don't you worry. Some day, whether it's in a year, or even tomorrow, you will have all the wonderful experiences of hand holding, kissing, and all those other things you've been missing. And when that happens, those marks on your heart might remain, but they won't matter to you so much anymore.
Learning what love is and how to have it slowly erase those marks on our heart takes a lot of work. Even when you find love, those struggles will still be there. Those scars will still burn hot and make you question everything.
ReplyDeleteI spent the year before our wedding waiting for Scott to break up with me because of all the reasons every other guy rejected/ignored/left/hurt me. Every scar I had ever developed became worse.
Love isn't the instant cure, but it will help to heal those wounds when it happens.
You'll have those experiences, and they will begin to put that those scars back to soft tissue. I know you'll have those experiences because you're too amazing not to. I'm definitely on Team Alice. And any guy who knows what's good for him will as well.