I read this article the other day, and I found it interesting. I've been thinking about blogging on it, so here we go. While not completely related to the rabbit hole, it is in a way. Especially since I am about to make a confession here.
I am a virgin.
Even better, I'm a virgin who has never been kissed.
I am on the far side of twenty four.
It's not that I've never wanted to be kissed... or anything else. I can't tell you how badly I wanted football!boy or hoodie!boy to kiss me. The thing is... no one has ever *wanted* to kiss me. Or if they have, they never did. And so it's never happened.
At this point, I am extremely picky about who I want to kiss. After all, I've waited this long. I want it to matter. Foolish or not, I need it to matter. To have this wait, this long and painful wait, count for something. All I can say is that being twenty four and never being kissed reeks havoc with the way one views oneself. It's a constant reminder of how unappealing I am, of how no one has ever wanted me like that.
Back to the argument laid out is the case. It begs the question "What the hell does this mean for me?" I mean, according to this article, I'm practically screwed. Yes, there is a pun there. Make the most of it. If men don't want virgins, then what I am I do?
The thing is, I've thought about that. How do I explain to some guy that I've never been kissed before? That I, quite simply, don't know how? That I'm afraid I'll be bad at it? That a middle schooler has more experience than I do. One day this conversation will have to take place. I'm afraid to have it, exactly for the reasons outlined in that article. Who wants to deal with that?
So yes, this is a hella personal post. And I'm not asking for sympathy or consolation or anything, really. I'm just laying it out as part of the adventure.
Don't sweat it...when the time comes, all will be right.
ReplyDeleteHave you ever seen "The 40 year Old Virgin"? Funny, touching, and everything worked out just fine in the end.
Okay, so I totally disagree with where this article is coming from. While I can understand that someone who is pretty experienced would also want to be with someone experienced, I think it is just wrong to say that staying a virgin is 'fine' as long as you know that 'guys will run for the hills when they find out.' Why is the author of this article trying to encourage women to have sex just so that they will have had it?? For your information, I have certainly been kissed, but I am also a virgin, and have remained so because it has been my choice. Sex is a a big deal for me. I value it and find it sacred and meaningful and I will not just do it with every guy I ever go on a date with because the connection it gives me and my partner is more important than that. This article is so jaded and yes, the author IS being shallow and selfish, because he's not actually looking at it from the side of someone who is a virgin and who may feel weird about it because of articles exactly like this.
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing wrong with being a virgin into your twenties and beyond. And lady, I definitely understand that at 24, the lack of a first kiss can make you question some things. But you said you wanted it to matter, right? Since you've waited this long already? Well, then what's wrong with having that conversation with a guy? I can promise you this, if you really want it to be special, then the person it needs to be with is going to be the guy that LISTENS to you and that doesn't find you awkward or strange or a turn-off when he finds out. He is going to be able to shoulder the not-all-that-heavy responsibility of being your first kiss. And when you do find that guy who is willing to listen and take you as you are, I think that first kiss will be spectacular. And as long as you just relax, I don't think you'll have a problem with picking it up quickly.
This article makes me roll my eyes so much my head is spinning. All it's doing is perpetuating the stigma that we have formed in America that being inexperienced is a bad thing. And no, the first time will not always be perfect, of course it won't, you have to learn to get to know each other's bodies in order to really create something magical. And what's wrong with that? Taking the time to explore? If you're with someone you love, then 'awkward' won't even be a part of it. Since when did Americans get so afraid of being uncomfortable and awkward, anyway? It's become this taboo thing that we avoid at all costs. I would never have sex with someone before I was emotionally ready just so I could avoid things being 'awkward.' Um, hello, doing it when you aren't sure you want to? HELLA awkward right there. Pfft.
You'll find it, chica. I believe you will find a relationship worth kissing for. And certainly one worth exploring deeper levels of intimacy for. Even if it does sometimes make you feel less than a middle schooler--please realize that you are SO much better than a sixth grader any day, and I for one am happy that you didn't have to deal with any of that shit during middle and high school. It screws people up for life. I think your twenties is when you actually know yourself and you know what you want--and therefore have a waaaay higher chance of having really good 'relations' with the other adult human being you are with. Teenagers don't know what the hell they want.
Sorry this is a novel. I'm just passionate about things like this, and while I believe very strongly in sexual freedom, I also believe that people should stop telling each other that waiting is wrong. To each his own, but don't tell me MY way is wrong just because it's not YOUR way. Stupid article. Don't listen to a word of it. Solidarity, sister.
I wouldn't worry that much. I have a few friends who were virgins in their twenties and now have boyfriends that really care about them. So trust me, it's not out of the question for you. You are a great person and one day you will meet a great guy who likes you for who you are.
ReplyDelete'It's a constant reminder of how unappealing I am...'
ReplyDeleteNone of that nonsense, if you please. The only thing that's unappealing here is your negative attitude. I promise you, there are hundreds of guys out there who would want to kiss you.
There is a lot I can say to this post, but truthfully I feel that everyone else has already said it best. Especially Emma - so much truth in every word of her reply.
ReplyDeleteIf I may be permitted to steal Dave's comment again? Nonsense, absolute nonsense. Never think less of yourself, not even for a minute. This is not a "reminder of how unappealing you are" - it's merely an indicator that the right moment, and the right person, have not come along yet. You strike me as an old-school romantic: you look for meaning and love behind romance. In my opinion that's the right way to approach relationships. People nowadays devalue sex and kissing and all other forms of physical intimacy but they really do matter, and they are worth waiting for until love comes into our lives.
Btw, the author of that article needs to be punched in the face (what is it with me and punching today?) I live at a college, I've seen a lot of really 'interesting' people. I know a lot of women who have slept around...hell, I know a girl who once made out with 12 guys in one night. Decent men do not find that attractive. Not in the slightest. But a woman who appreciates the value of love and wants her first kiss to matter? Now that makes a woman appealing.
It may be difficult to be patient, but you will find the end result to be well worth the wait. The only point I want to stress here is that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you and I hope you know that. Others may have more experience than you, but you know a lot of things about love that they will never be able to appreciate. That puts you light-years ahead of them.
~SP
That article is hogwash. Truth is, there is a guy out there that is going to love and want you no matter what your sexual history; virgin or not, never been kissed or smooched a dozen guys. And, I can guarantee you if there's one, than there is more than one.
ReplyDeleteMost guys who kissed me were really only hoping for one thing to happen. The others? Well, I think they only kissed me because they felt it was the proper thing to do. I can honestly say I would rather have not kissed any of them if I could go back and fix it.
Don't sweat that guys haven't made the move or aren't interested -- I know that's not the case at all. Likely, guys haven't made the move because they know that you're not willing to just do what they want OR they respect you too much to do that to you. Wait for the good guy to come along. He's out there, waiting for you to turn his world upside down. And when you do, you'll be so happy you held out. That, my dear Alice, I can promise you.