I'm Just That Awkward

So, remember how I said I wanted to tell hoodie!boy that I don't want to date him.

Yeah... about that.

I kinda, sorta, actually did that today.

Like those words literally came out of my mouth.

Needless to say, it was one of the more awkward moments of a lifetime. Although, not as bad as when I blurted out "I'm this way around you because I like you." That's something.

The conversation itself was really hard on me. Partly because I knew I was telling a half truth, and partly because I suck at this sort of thing. I mean I have the social aptitude of a carrot. This was brought up in said conversation. I was very definitely struggling through it. The thing is, I'm just really sensitive. I know this. I take *everything* to heart. Every single thing, good and bad. When he said "I don't know what you want me to say" I had no response. I just want him to talk, and not give me some answer he thinks I'm looking for.

Anyway, he didn't believe me. I guess I can't blame him, as I said, it was a half truth. After saying that I get the impression he will just blow me off sometimes, he was honest in saying that yes, he will avoid and ignore  me sometimes because I'm giving off a particularly strong "I want to date you" vibe. It just isn't me that he does this too, but rather anyone he gets that vibe from. The follow up statement was "Nickname, I don't want to avoid you forever."

When I asked him what I do that makes me give off that impression, he's telling me what we're doing now. He also added that my asking him out was a huge tip off. I pointed out that was nearly exactly a year ago. Apparently it was awkward that I remember the exact time frame.  I said I knew because of the business trip we went on (same time every year) just passed, and I told him that I remember because that was part of his excuse of why he couldn't get a coffee with me. Then apparently that was really awkward. I so should have said that a year ago, he was getting me fall down drunk, flirting with me, taking me out dancing, and when I was too tired to dance anymore, he put on a show for me. But I didn't. I don't think quickly on my feet. All I can say is that a year can change a lot of things.

This is who I am. I mean, I am horribly awkward and nervous around people in general. When I brought that up, he wanted to know why. I said that I didn't know, it just is. The more I think about it, the more it's that I know I'm bad at it, and I'm not used to being bad at things.  He proceeded to give me a whole character analysis of me, and to be truthful it was spot on. I think I'm awkward, so I'm all nervous and defensive, which then makes people really awkward when they deal with me, which reinforces my belief, which makes it that much more worse the next time. As we're talking I had my arms crossed, and tells me that putting my arms down is the first step. That if I am relaxed and open, I'll feel better and people will sense that, and it'll get better. He's like, now, just stand there.

He said he'll treat me like I don't want to date him. I don't know how this is going to go, but I figure it can't be worse than what has already happened. Maybe we really can't work anything out, and it's a lost cause, but I'd hate that. I'd hate having this weirdness looming anytime we are together. I want Constantina to run free with the other neon pink polka dotted elephants and have lots of fresh air and awkward turtles to eat. Is that too much to ask?